Translating a World on the Edge

By now, most of us are tired of Winter’s mess.  We are hoping that very cold temperatures, the unexpected snow, the continuing rain and wind, will soon be a thing of the past. We look forward to the promise of Spring.

The coming of green grass and budding plants.  The sound of chirping birds making  their nests in trees that are no longer barren and bare, but places for new lives to be born.

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend who, along with her family, has come through a lot of suffering–a period of Winter in her life. There were a few tears. But there was a joy within her, too. A sort of Spring.

How does this happen? How does one get through the winter of his/her life?

By trusting in God’s promise.

And what is God’s promise to us?

He does not promise that we will not have our winters. He does not promise that we will not suffer(we know what His own son went through.) But His promise is that He will give us peace of heart and mind in everything, no matter how tragic, when we ask Him to. And that there will be a Spring for us.

There is no one reading this who has not experienced some hard knocks in life. Our time here is often difficult. But here, is ‘where the rubber meets the road.’ Here, is where a simple chunk of coal can become a diamond. Here is where we love and lose–and yet, survive. And become new.

Think of the desperate situations in our own lives. Don’t we sometimes become extremely strong in those situations? Well, that’s God’s promise to us. A promise that we can be stronger than we ever thought we could, if we look to Him.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ..Philippians 4:6-9

Each of our lives is a personal story, our own novel written about our specific time here.

Some of the pages speak of joy and happiness— in childhood, in falling in love, in marriage and children and grandchildren.  Some of them speak of pain and suffering—losing a child or a spouse or a parent, failing at a job, falling into addiction, and anger, and waste, and regret.

Some events  are controllable,  some are uncontrollable events,  and each of us  reacts to those events in our own unique way. And in doing so, we write a book about our life.

We write–through our actions—our own personalized record, a life story entitled, How I Am Spending my Life On Earth.

We write our book whether we intend to, or not. Within this time.

And we write the story of our life in chapters, with chapter headings  that are important to us. Some are written with deep convictions. Others are frittered away through self-indulgence. But one thing for certain–the chapters progress to the last page. Our book will one day be finished. Because Time flies by.

Year after year, my husband and I ask each other, “Where does the time go?”

All of us have  times we’d like to go back to, for one reason or another. And then, there are times we wouldn’t re-live for the world. Still, the Book of Our Time goes forward, fast as a train on its track, and we are its only engineer—it’s only author.

A good book always has some action; positive and negative. If we consider our life as a book, and  consider that we are authoring the chapters ourselves–would we pay more attention to the intent and the result of every action we take?

Of course, our Book of Life on Earth will end up in on a shelf,  somewhere in the Divine Plan Of Eternity. Shouldn’t we consider how each of our actions, each of our chapters, each of our finished books, will fit into that plan?

There’s  a special bond between a father and daughter. Between a Daddy and his little girl. Lots of love, lots of loyalty, lots of protection against a dubious world……if you’re lucky.

If you’re lucky, maybe he’s the one who could always make you laugh. Maybe he’s the one who showered you with compliments and confidence when he said, “You’re beautiful!” Maybe he’s the one who tucked you into bed at night and told you stories about grizzly bears and princesses. And  I’m certain he’s the one into whose arms you sank when you took your first big jump into a swimming pool.

Fathers are extremely important to their daughter’s growth into a strong woman with convictions.  A little girl sees her own worth in her father’s eyes, and she never forgets it.  If she doesn’t see herself reflected as someone good, beautiful, smart, and someone he wants to be around–then look for problems. She will act out her lack in some way.  According to many studies, she may ‘look for love and attention in all the wrong places.,’ the love and attention she didn’t receive as a child.

A daughter will often marry a man with traits like her father’s. Good traits, or bad traits.

If you’re a father, ask yourself this question: Do I want my daughter to marry someone like Me?

If the answer is no. You may have some work to do.

Am I doing it right? In  Life, I mean.

Most of us wonder about that. We don’t set out to do things wrong. But we often do.

We want to do the best for our families and ourselves.  But what is Best?

There’s really no certainty about what’s best for us.  We do know though, we’re to follow God’s Commandments. But exactly how to follow them in particular situations is sometimes hazy.

For example, in parenting children. What is the best way? What’s good for one child may not be good for another child.

And in marriage. We have two separate personalities involved, so we often have two very different ways of approaching problems.

In our job, or with friends, or with aging family members–is one way better than another?

What are we doing? Are we coming anywhere close to doing it right?

I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as we pray, try to  listen in our prayer to what God is telling us, and have a true desire to please Him–to do things right–then we shouldn’t worry.  We are doing our best.  And this is what is desired of us. That we sincerely, without excuses, TRY.

The really beautiful thing about trying is that even when we stumble, even when we fall, even when we fail, most of us get back up! This is due to the amazing human spirit given us by God.

I’ve posted this prayer of Thomas Merton before.  I love it.

It’s something I pray often.

Especially, when I’m not sure of the path I’m on.

Especially, when I’ve made mistakes and want to start over.

Especially, when I feel lost and need to be led.

Especially when I feel as if no one is able to advise me what to do.

For many years, it’s been a solace for my  own worries–indeed an answer TO my worrying.

Maybe you’ll become fond of it, too.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

We Americans think of ourselves as a compassionate people. And we are.

But we can also be self-absorbed– sometimes so concerned with ourselves that we don’t notice the suffering of others, even if it’s right under our nose. Still God, who has a plan for each of us, is calling us to make choices.

In the words of Pope Francis:
God calls you to make definitive choices, and He has a plan for each of you: to discover that plan and to respond to your vocation is to move toward personal fulfillment. I ask you, instead, to be revolutionaries, to swim against the tide; yes, I am asking you to rebel against this culture that sees everything as temporary and that ultimately believes that you are incapable of responsibility, that you are incapable of true love. Do not be afraid to go and to bring Christ into every area of life, to the fringes of society, even to those who seem farthest away, most indifferent.

Many of you know that writers of Catholic Fiction, like me, strive to show Christ’s presence in the world, even in the middle of evil. This is what the movie, ‘Gimme Shelter,’  does as well.

Ronald Krauss, director and screen writer for ‘Gimme Shelter’ and Kathy DiFiore, the founder of Several Sources Shelters, the real-life person whose plight inspired the film, have brought Christ into the fringes of society with this movie. This is a prolife film, but also a film about addictions, parenthood, and the breakup of families–unfortunately, all that so prevalent in our world today.

I think this is an inspiring movie. It calls for us to Swim Against the Tide. It calls for action. It calls for us to dive into ourselves and decide what true compassion really is, and in doing so, what we as a people are capable of–on both sides.

No question self esteem plays an important part in a person’s life. And acquiring it comes early. Psychologists believe that by the time a child is three years old, self-esteem–either positive or negative–is fairly well established. So it’s important that parents, brothers and sisters, teachers and babysitters show love, kindness, and respect to small children. If you’ve been treated this way, your self-esteem has grown.

But—

When a parent or teacher’s goal is to make self esteem more important than genuine accomplishment, a child becomes egotistic.

Me. Me. Me.  Not You.

He or she believes the world is created for them and that he can do no wrong. That leads to narcissism. And narcissism can be deadly. Because we are not here to love and serve ourselves alone, but to love and serve God.

The narcissist is incapable of love because he cannot see another as equal in dignity to himself. What he, or she, loves is a false image he has created of himself, and he needs to see that image reflected in the eyes and approval of others. A narcissist manipulates and uses others for his own personal gain.

Though it may sound harsh, well-meaning parents and school systems who give children the false expectation that they can never fail, can be breeding grounds for narcissistic personalities.

Our education system has practically removed the word “fail” from its vocabulary, believing it is harmful to self esteem. Today, the whole education system seems to be about getting only basic credits, and getting them in any way possible, even to the point of re-designing tests so many students as possible will pass. That way no one really fails.

But what happens? Children become arrogant, hard to correct and can’t deal with the failures that will surely come to them during their lives.

True self-esteem does not come from outside of us–with a trophy for something not so special. It comes from within us–when we have honestly worked to accomplish a task, a job, a talent. Most importantly,  it comes from the deep certainty that we are loved by  God who created us in His image, and who gives dignity, meaning, and purpose to our lives.

Christ’s own life was filled with sufferings and temptations. But His purpose on earth was before Him, a purpose He accomplished through His own blood, sweat, and tears. And then He was able to rejoice because He had done God’s will.

There will always be peaks and troughs in each of our lives, and in the lives of our children. We should not give them the false expectation that they can never fail. But what we should give them is genuine respect as a child of God, the knowledge that they are loved, and that they are made for more than this world–that they were made for eternity.

Have you ever put your parents through Hell?

Have you ever put your children through Hell?

Have you ever been in a place in your life when you were a Monster to others?

Did you hit the bottom?

Did you get tired of being tired?

Or hate yourself after every senseless argument, or action, that hurt someone you say you love?

We may not have seen it before, but  when those painful things happen, we begin to see ourselves as what we’ve become–Monsters.

And Monsters can change.

First we have to accept what we’ve done and face the fear of what it has done to our lives, and to the lives of family members and friends.

Next, we can make no excuses–none at all.  We cannot blame others. We must take responsibility. And then show, and tell, those  our monster-status has hurt that we are sorry, and ask for their forgiveness.

Last, we must do everything we can to forgive ourselves. How? Realize that God  forgives us as soon as we ask Him to. Realize that He’s never stopped loving us. And simply love him back in the ways He’s shown us;  through Scripture, through our church, through other loving people.

We can reform, and we can transform,  ourselves into the person we’d like to be.

And so many of us do!

Finally, a very important note.  To anyone who has gone through the pain of living with a Monster you love—-please don’t ever say you won’t forgive!!

A Monster should never be without hope that he or she can be a Teddy Bear again.

We worry a lot about what other people think of us. Do they like my outfit? My hair? Do they think I’m too fat, or too thin? Do they think I’m smart enough?

When I was a child, I often heard from others, “Don’t do that, or wear this. What will they think?”
But I never knew who exactly “they” were.

To a certain extent, we do have to care about what others think–if those others are people who have our best interests at heart, such as family or good friends. And if we have children, we care that they perceive us as a good influence.

But in general, we shouldn’t worry. The fact is, most people aren’t thinking about us at all. Their concern is for themselves and their own problems.

So why do we obsess about any impression we have on others? The reasons  vary because we’re all different, with unique upbringing, and unique childhood experiences. However, I do believe–and its only my opinion–that the concern begins when we’re young, with self-identity.

For some children, especially those without intact families, insecurity is a problem–a problem that isn’t their fault, yet affects their self-confidence. So they worry about how they look to others, and then bend to the majority, whichever way the wind blows at the time.

For others, it’s the need to NOT stand out, but to appear to belong to the group. This need gets stronger as children grow into their teens and suffer from peer pressure.

And then, there are some young people who want to shock others by their behavior or appearance because they’ve been wounded in an emotional way and find it necessary to project themselves as tough enough to have gotten through it–their way, not yours. They care because they WANT to stand out, and it’s almost a cry for help.

Then again, we’re all born with a personalized set of genes and passed down family traits–so maybe it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why our concern for the approval of others can be so strong.

Still, I think our primary concern should be how pleased WE are with ourselves. What do WE think about, not when we look in a mirror, but when we take a good, honest look at our actions, good and bad, that come from within.

I love Netflix! Last night I watched “Death of a Salesman,” a classic, Pulitzer-winning play by Arthur Miller that I studied in college and never quite forgot.

The movie was beautifully acted by Dustin Hoffman as Willie Lohman, the salesman. Here is a man in his sixties who’s never quite made it because he’s had the wrong dream, trying to be a successful businessman when he was actually not equipped for it.

Unable to accept that he’s failed, Willie unloads his same dream onto his two sons, especially Biff, who Willie imagines will rise to greatness because of his looks, athletic ability, and the fact that “he was well-liked.”

The play, movie, is a tragedy, mostly I think, in Willie’s role as a father. That he loves his sons is made apparent, but the kind of love he shows them is ruinous. He has a dream for them–his dream, not theirs. And he’s a man who cannot accept the reality that he is a failure in the job chose to build his life around, so he lies to make himself seem successful. He lies to his sons, and even to himself.

The greatest love we can give our children is Truth–to show them who they are–valuable human beings created by God. But we should never sugar-coat their mistakes. And often, we do that, maybe because their mistakes are similar to ours and we don’t want to personally own up either.

It’s important that we don’t selfishly implant in children our own dreams and expect them to play them out with any success. We have to realize each child’s uniqueness. But most of all we have to realize where we ourselves have failed in our lives so far, and make an attempt to keep our children from doing the same–by being truthful, not dishonest.

Getting to know our children and their personalities is so important. We cannot guide them properly if we look through the rose-colored glasses of what WE want them to be. Always, we need to see them as individuals, children who came through us—but are NOT US.

Parents and children—and I think especially Fathers and sons—no matter how deeply they love each other, often have many regrets. But there will always be a certain bond there.

So, may Fathers and Sons respect each other for who they are, and may each forgive the other for being a fallible human being.

At times we feel like a fragile leaf taken up by the wind, with no control over where we’re going. And we worry, we obsess. We may shake, or sweat, crying out, “What will happen to me?”

Maybe we’re suffering from some disease. Maybe we’re despondent over the loss of a loved one. Or we may have deliberately hurt someone else, and while we regret it, what we’ve done eats away at us.

We may have committed an offense we don’t think we can be forgiven for.  Or we may be afraid of the punishment we’ll receive from that offense.  All these happenings can alter us until we barely respond to others in kind ways, because there’s too much darkness around us to recgonize any sort of joy.

But life itself is good. Life can be affirming even in our sorrow, pain, or distress.

The idea that Life is good doesn’t come to us from something outside of us. It comes from inside us, if we allow it to.  It comes from creating in our hearts an attitude of Trust–no matter who has hurt us, or who we’ve lost, no matter how terrible we think we’ve been, and no matter how weak our bodies have become.

Trust means a lack of worry about tomorrow. Trust means loving the moment we are living in.  Trust means that even if the moment we love doesn’t last, our Trust, our Faith, our Hope will last.

Can we do this alone? Can we stoke the fire inside us and carry it forward without someone else? Don’t we need a hand to hold, the hand of someone who truly loves us?

Oh, you are alone? And nobody loves you?

Don’t fall for that.

We are never alone–not alone on the top of a mountain of happiness and good fortune, and not alone at the bottom of a sea of sorrow and despair.

The One who created us never leaves us.

Trust that the hand of God is always extended to you.

All you need do is reach out and take it.

Then tomorrow will take care of itself.