Translating a World on the Edge

Most of us have seen abandoned houses on country roads and city streets. There is something tragic about those unkempt places, those buildings that surely still hold the memories of people who once lived there, yet now, are no longer physically connected.

And because there is no physical connection, and the place is left alone, it falls into disrepair.

It’s the same with people left alone.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.–Mother Theresa

In fact, did you know that loneliness can kill you?

Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. A partial list of the physical diseases thought to be caused or made worse by loneliness would include Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, neurodegenerative diseases, and even cancer—tumors can metastasize faster in lonely people.

“Real loneliness is overwhelmingly painful, disintegrative, and paralyzing. It represents a blocking of the fundamental need for personal intimacy, and it originates in pathological object relations in infancy and early childhood. Psychotherapeutically it is difficult to discern real loneliness because the patient cannot communicate it verbally and is frequently unaware of it, and because the more prominent symptoms of hostility and anxiety mask it”– Psychiatry. XXII, 1959: Loneliness. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann. Pp. 1-16.. Psychoanal Q., 28:572-573.

Personal intimacy is the key here. A person can be in the middle of many people, but without a connection to any one of them, he can feel lonely.

Lonely house, lonely me
Funny with so many neighbors
How lonesome you can be

——Langston Hughes lyrics, Street Scene

Street Scene (Philadelphia, 1946) was the first opera of Kurt Weill’s American period (he himself defined it as an «American opera»). Influenced by both the Broadway musical and jazz, it features recitative, dialogue, arias, ensembles and songs.  The libretto is by the politically engagé playwright Elmer Rice, who based it a play of his own that won a Pulitzer Prize in 1929. The lyrics are by the black poet Langston Hughes. The action takes place outside an apartment block in a poverty-ridden district of New York. The block’s inhabitants are the core figures of the different tales that make up the harshly realistic plot, which is deeply pervaded by social criticism and comes to a tragic ending.

The piece is sung here by my talented grandson, Carl Hellmers, a student of the Blair School of Music at Vanderbilt University, a major research university located in Nashville, Tennessee. Here’s another wonderful piece by  Carl, too. https://youtu.be/lDueGFut9A0

It has become almost cliché to say that before you can truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Cliché or not, the statement is true.

But we cannot love a false self. We are more than mannequins dressed by another’s intentions. We have to know who we are–for Real.

Loving oneself begins with digging deep to be honest about who we are and what we do. Digging deep to discover the things we are good at, and loving those things about ourselves. Digging deep to discover our faults, our flaws, and doing something about those so that we can love ourselves. Because love is not just a word, it is always action.

When Jesus talked about the greatest commandment of all, He quoted Deuteronomy 6:5 and said we are to love God with all our heart. But He also added the second greatest commandment: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. God wants us to love ourselves, the way He created us to be.

Oddly, or maybe miraculously, the way to honestly loving ourselves is by loving others. How many times have you felt a certain excitement over what you’ve done for another–a word of encouragement, an act of mercy, a simple gift to another of something he/she desperately needs?

Conversely, don’t we feel disheartened when we try to be only what another wants us to be–especially if what another wants us to be goes against our moral code? That’s the failure to love ourselves, that’s being untrue to the core of who we are.

If we want to be happy, we must realize that God loves us terribly, and because He does, we can love ourselves, too–enough that we want to be worthy of His divine love. As it always does, God’s love calls us to action.

There is a story, Bluebird of Happiness, in my new collection, Birds of a Feather, in which a physician misuses his profession in an attempt to keep peace with his controlling wife. He puts that misguided peace above being true to his own moral core. Of course, he is unhappy with himself, with his life, and with his wife. I think many of us do something like this only to please others, or to keep some tranquility. But it does not make us happy. Loving yourself in the right way is what will actually make us happy.

Taking to heart other people’s opinions of us as if they were Truth— though sometimes those opinions may flatter us, as well as put us down–.- is not the way to the joy of knowing and loving ourselves.

So, let’s take some time out to discover what we’re good at, or what we’d like to be better at. Take off any false image we have of ourselves that someone else may have thrown upon us. Then we will find the goodness within us that it takes to love ourselves, and because of that goodness, we will love others.

Photo by jclk8888, MorgueFile.com, 2015

Reading 1 Lv 19:1-2, 11-18

The LORD said to Moses,
“Speak to the whole assembly of the children of Israel and tell them:
Be holy, for I, the LORD, your God, am holy.

“You shall not steal.
You shall not lie or speak falsely to one another.
You shall not swear falsely by my name,
thus profaning the name of your God.
I am the LORD.

“You shall not defraud or rob your neighbor.
You shall not withhold overnight the wages of your day laborer.
You shall not curse the deaf,
or put a stumbling block in front of the blind,
but you shall fear your God.
I am the LORD.

“You shall not act dishonestly in rendering judgment.
Show neither partiality to the weak nor deference to the mighty,
but judge your fellow men justly.
You shall not go about spreading slander among your kin;
nor shall you stand by idly when your neighbor’s life is at stake.
I am the LORD.

“You shall not bear hatred for your brother in your heart.
Though you may have to reprove him,
do not incur sin because of him.
Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against your fellow countrymen.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
I am the LORD.”

Photo by ertru, MorgueFile.com, 2016

I don’t have….
I wish I had……
If only he/she would…
I am sick—why?
I lost a child…..
My marriage is not like theirs…
Smile? I have nothing to smile about!

These are unhappy, bitter thoughts–with lots of I’s and me’s. How do we make those bitter thoughts become better thoughts? How do we capture happiness for ourselves?

There are four levels of happiness:

Getting what I want when I want it: Instant gratification is the lowest form of happiness. A new car, a new pair of shoes, a filet mignon, sex, are all things which give us instant gratification. This is very self-centered happiness, and short lived.

Praise for what I have done: Personal achievement is a higher form of happiness than gratification of our desires. Getting compliments for our behavior or for things we have done, the plaque on the wall and the award at the national meeting, mother of the year award, etc., but they are still fleeting, and can be self centered, though we do start to reach out beyond the ME to touch others.

Helping someone else: Doing things to help others provides a higher level of happiness than personal achievement, but if it is not united to Christ, it sometimes feeds our pride. Philanthropy does draw us out of ourselves, away from our own carnal desires, to touch other people’s lives, and so it provides a higher level of happiness than the previous two.

But real happiness comes from this:

Unification with God who made us and seeks us: The closer we unite ourselves to Our Lord, the happier we will be on earth.  Just ask someone who has surrendered their life to God.

You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.–St. Augustine

http://forums.catholic.com/index.php

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor whose concentration camp experiences shaped both his therapeutic approach and philosophical outlook. His life as a concentration camp inmate led him to discover the importance of finding meaning in all forms of existence, even the most sordid ones, and thus, a reason to continue living.

After three years of imprisonment during the Holocaust, he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning

He often said that even within the narrow boundaries of the concentration camps he found only two races of Men to exist: decent men and unprincipled men–and that these were to be found in all classes, ethnicities, and groups. And it stemmed from Attitude.

Here is what he said about Attitude: …Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl

One definition of attitude is that it’s an expression of favor or disfavor toward a person, place, thing, or event (the attitude object). Prominent psychologists describe attitudes as the most distinctive and indispensable concept in contemporary social psychology. But a deeper look at our attitudes will often expose our personal Character.

Character is what we are when we don’t have an audience–and also, at times, when we do have an audience–because it takes Character to stand up with courage if something crucially important needs to be said, or expressed with an action.

Of course, our attitudes reflect what we think is important, and attitudes can change. What’s important to a teenager is not what’s important to an adult. Some believe that a person’s Character is set and cannot be changed. Not so. But what can change it?

The character of Paul, the apostle, changed dramatically when he surrendered to God. Once he’d been a murderer of those who believed in Jesus; but his character was re-formed and he spread the good news of Jesus Christ all over the Gentile world. How did this happen?

In Paul’s words from First Corinthians: By God’s grace I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not ineffective.

Paul’s new life in Christ is Biblical evidence that the grace of God can change character. And give that person’s character a new meaning. Haven’t you seen the character of some people change for the better? Don’t you know of people who have changed the entire meaning of their lives from insignificant to significant? I know I have.

This change may come after surviving a crisis, through a prompt of Grace that brings about a personal re-assessment of our life. Or it may come during great suffering, when we search for meaning. Or it may come because God keeps giving us those divine pushes, and all we have to do is go along.

No matter the circumstance, and however it comes, when we go with God, things get better.

Oh, what an overused expression–How Time Flies. But it is so true–especially in the lives of our children. One day they are babies, and then in no time at all, they’re in school, then college, and beyond.

In every family, there is a certain ‘dance’ we do with our children. Sometimes it has to do with dancing around the time we spend with them.

From the time I was bringing up my children, until now, when my children are bringing up their own, I read and heard about the necessity of spending “quality” time with your sons or daughters. As if we could pick and choose the “quality” time.

However, it is my strong belief that children need the “quantity” of our time, too. In fact, I often believe that the quantity of time is the most important.
Quantity of time means we’re there as much as possible. Quantity of time means our children are used to us “being there.” And that means they feel more secure. Think about a young child’s attachment to a doll or stuffed animal. Some children will never leave them behind no matter where they go, because they feel secure with the toy. And without it, they are unhappy. “Quality” time isn’t something they accept with a beloved treasure.

Think of the mind of a child. For example, when you offer him or her a bag of candy, do they want just one quality piece? They may take one piece if that’s all they’re allowed (I know, I know–just an example. Too much sugar is not good for them either) But what I mean is that in a child’s heart, he/she wants quantity.

Children need to see that we enjoy them, that we will protect them, that we love them—-all the time, not just on some specific occasion that suit us. In my opinion, a danger of this “quality’ time thing is that we, as parents, are likely to overcompensate on these occasions, maybe out of guilt. We buy them things they don’t really need, when what they really want is our presence.

Time does indeed go by quickly. We don’t want to look back and wish we’d spent more time with our children. We want to do it now.

What is your definition of a hero?

I think this is a good one: A hero is a person who is unafraid to make what they believe to be a ‘right’ decision. And if the decision turns out not to be correct, they own up to it and accept the consequences.

This means that a hero must have courage—enough not only to stand up for what is right, but to keep going no matter how tough it gets. Heroes are not people who have super-human strength, super speed or the ability to shoot beams from their eyes. They are just average people who care about people, about human life and how fragile it really is.

According to researchers, empathy and compassion for others are key variables that contribute to heroic behavior. People who rush in to help others in the face of danger and adversity do so because they genuinely care about the safety and well-being of other people. A 2009 study found that people who have heroic tendencies also have a much higher degree of empathy.

Heroes are good at seeing things from the perspective of others.

Researchers suggest that heroes aren’t just compassionate and caring; they have a knack for being able to see things from the perspective of others. They can ‘walk a mile in another man’s shoes,’ so to speak.

Heroes are competent and confident.

It takes both skill and self-confidence to rush in where others fear to tread. Researchers suggest that people who perform heroic acts tend to feel confident in themselves and their abilities. When faced with a crisis, they have an intrinsic belief that they are capable of handling the challenge and achieving success no matter what the odds. Part of this confidence might stem from above-average coping skills and abilities to manage stress.

Heroes have a strong moral compass.

According to heroism researchers Zimbardo and Franco, heroes have two essential qualities that set them apart from non-heroes: they live by their values and they are willing to endure personal risk to protect those values.–http://psychology.about.com/od/the-psychology-of/a/characteristics-of-heroism.htm

There are so many heroes who go unnoticed, selfless people who step out of what is easy and take up something hard to elevate someone else. And they ask for no recognition.

Today we hear and read so much about the world’s villains. But look around—maybe even in your own family–the world is filled with heroes.

Who are the heroes you’ve known, or know now?

There’s an old song–I think from the 1940’s– that says we always hurt the ones we love. I think that’s pretty much true.

What I don’t think is true is the lyric that we hurt them–“because we love them most of all.” There’s something very wrong with that.

Intentional hurt and love don’t go together. There may be many reasons for the hurt, but one of the most frequent is anger. Anger causes us to lose control, to say and do things we might not ordinarily do.

Anger is described as an emotional response related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been threatened. Often it indicates when one’s basic boundaries are violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation. And some use displays of anger as a manipulation strategy–think of a threatened lion showing his prowess. But we are not animals.

Anger is a valid human emotion, still we shouldn’t let it get out of hand. We need to recognize the psychological or emotional factors that could predispose a person to intermittent explosive anger so that we can be onguard— growing up in an unstable family environment, marked by severe frustration, lack of a positive role model, physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism, violence and/or life-threatening situations.

We know unrestrained anger can lead to misery for its victims–even victims the perpetrator professes to love . And that kind of anger is one of the Cardinal Sins.

If our first response in many situations is anger, it is very likely that our temper is covering up our true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if we grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. Explosive anger is especially destructive to children. As a result, an adult who experienced that sort of anger as a child may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger.

If your anger seems to be spiraling out of control, remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes or for as long as it takes you to cool down. Here are some of the dynamics of Explosive Anger:

• We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
• We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
• We are often angry when we didn’t get what we needed as a child.
• We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can’t stand in ourselves.
• Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
• Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
• We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
• We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before. Source: Get Your Angries Out

Let’s try to put our sincere love for a person in the forefront of our thoughts the next time we feel explosive anger rising within us.